Moving forward

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It has been a while. So many things had happened in the past few months. I am recuperating. It is the only way. The only way is to go forward. I am picking up the pieces of myself as I march forward. I have to soldier on and conclude all these. So that the sacrifices made by the people who loved me will not go to waste.

With the love and support from my family and friends, I am able to live once again. Things don’t feel as bad as they were before. I can say that I am actually become stronger after all these and vow not to let those people hurt me ever again. I am going to live my life and you are nobody in my life. Just another hurdle that I need to cross over. Nothing more. But I thank you for making me realize what is important in my life. And you are not part of it.

The end is near. I must be strong and continue this journey. And a new beginning awaits me at the end of this line. There will always be these kind of people that would want to bring you down but Allah s.w.t will always be with you if you will always remember Him. This temporary world is their paradise. Ours will be eternity. Let them enjoy their time here and we will see who will have last the laugh.

A letter to my 16-year-old self

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Dear 16-year-old Me,

Hello, love? Yes, that’s what I should call and feel about you. I’ll begin this letter with an apology for not loving you and blaming you for all the wrong things that had happened in our life. You are amazing and I failed to realize that early on. I was so consumed with my self-image and trying so hard to just fit in, to just belong somewhere. I was too blind to see that the only person standing in my way to happiness is myself. I just need to accept you, to accept myself, to just love and care for myself. I’m glad I’m not too late to realize that. =)

Love, you’re are so grateful to be surrounded by great people. You have the ever-so-supportive parents and siblings. Though Ayah has gone now, I am happy to know that you had created wonderful memories with him to last a lifetime. He will always be close to us. No one can take all that memories from you, Insya Allah. There’s nothing to regret now, you have nearly fulfilled all of your responsibilities as a daughter. And Mama could not be more proud of you know. I promise you that I will take of her. Love, I know you have always wanted a niece/nephew. Well, only Allah s.w.t knows. We should never give up or lose hope!

Lynn, my dear. You are so lucky to have best friends that love you and accept for who you are. You have the time of your life with these beautiful people: Nad, Ah Sum, Mira, Emmy, Aina, Herlys, Dana… They made your life a thousand times better! Cherish them and love them till the end for jewels like these are very hard to find. One day, you’ll missed this kind of friendship for this will be the longest and the best friendship you’ll ever have, I believe. They’re sometimes maddening and crazy but they would always be by your side, come rain or come shine. Let go of the unimportant things and just focus on the big picture. These friendships are too valuable to just be lost to trivial stuffs.

Love, I know they are things that you had said and done that you wished you could take it all back. But just live your life with no regret. For these mistakes lead to what you are now. The experiences and heartaches made you wiser. Everything has been planned out for there is no such thing as coincidence. The past is the past. We move forward, this time with knowledge and experiences as our guidance. Remember, just live each day of you life like it’s going to be the last.

I miss us being adventurous. I know you have fun with all those trips you had and with the people you love spending time with. Well, things a bit different when you get older. It’s not only about you anymore (as you may have thought at the age of 16). You must be ready to sacrifice you time for other people. You must take care of yourself so that you can take care of those that you love. Life is complicated, I know. Well, I just hope to go to the beach one of these days. You know how much we both love the sea, river and lake. I just wish time would be kind to us. Felt it passed so quickly.

Well, dear. It’s time for me to go. I will write to you more in the future. I wish I can meet you and tell you in your face that you’re awesome and stop worrying about the future! Just live your life with no regrets!

Love,

25-year-old Lynn

The pieces don’t fit anymore

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Salam and hi all,

Things had gone a bit haywire nowadays. But I’m embracing it with an open heart. Sometimes, you just have to deal with failures in order to realize what are the important things in life. These setbacks are needed to give yourself a chance to improve. I know that I am inadequate, that is why I choose to let myself stay here to learn more. To be safe for others. I would never regret the decision that I have made. Sometimes, you just have to slow things down. For reaching there quickly would just be meaningless if you are not up to the par. There were so many lessons that I learnt today. Sometimes, things just did not go according to your plans. They followed Allah’s plans for it is the best plan. Secondly, true love is not measured by how long you have known each other or how long you have been lovers and be together. Truth to tell, I still could not figure what true love is. I have seen loss love despite of years of being together. We are talking about a love story of more than 10 years-old that ended abruptly on a single night.  A couple that has been together for nearly 8 years, and now has separated merely after a year of marriage. What is true love then? Thirdly, it is so easy to forget the things that matter to you the most. At times, you forgot that you used to want this so badly and now you are taking things for granted. Some people would kill to just be in your place right now and you want to throw it all away simply because you had enough. Nobody says it is going to be easy. But I must say, it is worth every drop of sweat and blood. So, don’t you dare give up now.

Allah, please give me strength to continue this journey…

Karma

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Salam and hi all,

Lama tak update blog ni. Got some stuffs that I need to settle. Nie pun tak fully settle lagi. Assessment pun ditundakan ke hari Isnin because Mr. Shankar’s quite busy. A lot of cases for colonoscopy and OGDS today. Got one case posted under emergency for open cholecystectomy. He and Mr. Annal have to the case. The patient went in at 1 pm. When I left at 5.30 pm, the surgery was not over yet. Seems like the rounds were never ending as well. I was quite mad about a few things today. Felt like punching that person in the face or in the groin! He thinks he’s that good although he’s just a newbie!  Karma is a bitch, he’ll pay for this one! But despite all that, things went well today. Alhamdulillah. Next week, I’ll be changing ward. I’ll be in 3B. Be nice to me, 3B. I have fun in 4A and 3A. The MOs and the staff nurses are nice. Hope 3B will be the same interesting and happy experience. I remembered one vey nice and handsome MO told me that we should look forward to do our job and not to be scared and restricted out of fear to your superiors. He also didn’t like the environment where you always got scolded, sometimes for the reasons that you don’t even know! Made you wonder why you even bother to work hard at all. For me, it’s all about doing the right thing. Because your patient deserves it. Because we serve them. I will always try to remember this and pray that I’ll never lose my way.

Hmm, got these 2 days to study diligently and fill in the log book. I hope I’ll get through surgical posting and proceed with the next posting smoothly…

Alright, see you soon. Perhaps after I finish with my assessment…

Awan Terpilu

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Salam and hi semua,

Feeling a bit down tonight. It’s been a while since I last write in this blog with broken heart. I used to write best when I’m sad but I did not want my subconscious mind to associate writing with feeling of sadness. I thought of not writing today but could not help it. Let this be the place where I can pour my heart out.

Currently, I’m listening to Adele’s Someone Like You. This song really tells the story of my heart. Eh, tetiba iTunes ku putarkan lagu seterusnya: Ning Baizura’s Awan Terpilu! Sigh, this song’s also meant a lot to me especially in the year of 2004. Sentimental la malam nie. I wish I can sing out loud now just to release the deep emotion reverberating inside my heart. 

Ah, I just could not write tonight.

Later…


Psy Ward

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Salam and hi all,

Last night was like crazy. Felt like I’m in the middle of psychiatric ward. The admissions were ok. 3 new cases in the evening at around 5- 6 pm. Then, there was a new case after 12 am. That was not a problem. The trouble was when there’s not only one, but two patients with alcohol withdrawal symptoms. One kept on saying about a motor vehicle accident involving his motor and some other guy’s motor. Kept on saying it’s not his fault that accident occur. Explaining to ‘police’ that he was innocent but there was no there listening or talking to him. That was before we went to get some sleep. When we wake up for blood taking, he was screaming about a bus with no brake is going to hit him. Persistently asking to no one in particular, “Tau bawak bas ke tak? Saya tau, tapi diorang ikat saya.” (We have to restrain the patient because he wanted to pull out the branula and jump out the bed).  At times he could scream so loud saying, “Lari, lari! Ini bas brake rosak!”  SO LOUD!!! The patients were so annoyed with him for he sometimes yelled at the top of his lung, imagining the bus will hit him! He spoke in Malay and mixed with Tamil. If  we were not so tired, we might find this amusing. Rounds finished quite late last night; at around 12 am, we were famished for Mak Odah was no where to be found, apparently, she’s still in Raya Haji mode. We’re already sick of McDonald’s. Literally sick, Farhana has AGE because of that. I was purging up and down for some reasons I was not aware of. We just took some bread and milk. But after getting some sleep, I do find it funny~ The uncle was even singing some songs in Tamil. But pity the other patients, all their BP were quite on the high side this morning! LOL! The uncle beside him was also a gone case. He refused blood taking from us and refused DXT from the staff nurse. He even ‘cubit’ one of the staff nurse that wanted to serve some medications to him. And then he get of bed and began to circle around his bed with his wife behind having to hold his CBD and intravenous drip! It’s like the Indian ritual of circling the fire, this time circling a bed with an angry, unwilling wife. The wife was shouting furiously at him for doing such ridiculous thing in the early morning and refused our intervention. Imagine, with the ‘bus’ uncle shouting and the ‘angry’ wife raging, the ward was so ‘alive’! Both calm down at around 6 am after IM Haloperidol stat. 

I and Farhana managed to sleep for 3 hours. Apparently, Sultan and Anne didn’t get to sleep. They actually refused to sleep. They have been like that. Maybe they just want to have the feeling of being on-call. We already have enough fill of that. =p 

So, today after reach home, I immediately get ready to go to salon with Annisa at 10 am. But when we reached the salon, it was not yet open, so we had breakfast at Old Town White Coffee. After finish with our treatment, Annisa showed me her new house at Villa Sentosa. Quite a quite place but she loves the serenity. Just 10 mins from her place to my place. Can lepak-lepak at her house later~

Alright, time to go. Need to sleep a while~




Massage!

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Salam and hi all,

Not really in a good health condition right now. Having a flu since yesterday. I only have Piriton with me, so I downed 3 tabs of that at one time. Talking about drug abuse, huh~

Anyways, I’m in PM shift today. Hope there wont’s be so much admissions and no ward problems. I need the rest. Yesterday was so much fun. At work and outside work. I’m blessed to be surrounded with such sporting and cool colleagues and friends. It helped me to get through the tough times especially with our kind of job. Last Saturday, a patient with an infected inguinal mesh absconded! Turns out that he’s actually a prisoner (some said he’s already been bailed out)! He wore the purple prison outfit but there was no police or handcuffs to him. He was planned for removal of infected mesh. The case had already been posted. When the OT called for him, we realized that he had already left the building. There was a pile of his prison outfit near the corridor. He actually stole one of the cleaner’s clothes to escape! Well, he is a thief, that’s why he was thrown into the jail on the first place. Felt like we’re in a movie or something! Did he ran away because he’s scared of the op? Or has he already planned this all in order to escape!?! Jeng jeng jeng!

Oh, yesterday night, I accompanied Annisa for dinner. We went to Sekinchan Ikan Bakar. We didn’t order that much, just pari bakar and sayur bakar. The pari bakar was excellent! Sedap! The 3 sos dippers were delicious as well. Ada sambal belacan, sambal kicap and another one I’m not so sure, macam sambal belacan but not quite! Then, I persuaded Annisa to go for a massage! My feet is kliing me! Tiap-tiap hari berdiri lama! Hehe! We went to oriental health massage at Bayu Perdana! The place was still open! We took Package B: full oil body massage with foot reflexology fro RM 85. The session start at 10 pm and finished by 12 am! The masseuses were both from Thailand. Small petite ladies but with incredible strength! Annisa lolled up in her chair during her reflexology! She even snored! LOL~ I was in between sleep and awake. Initially, a dude was assigned to massage my feet but of course I requested for a girl~ Plus the dude creeped me out. He was watching YouTube; videos about bank robbery, patrol station robbery and anything that has robbery in it! Possible robber in the making? Watching how-to-rob in a YouTube!!? Anyways, the massage session was awesome! Definitely looking forward to come again, but perhaps in the middle of broad daylight!

Alright!

Tata!






Between blood and hole

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Salam and hi all,

Before I go any further, I would like to wish my dearest friend, Hafzan a great Happy Birthday! Selamat hari lahir Hafzan! May Allah blesses with lots of love and success, cepat-cepat bertemu jodoh dan semoga bahagia ke akhir hayat! ;p

Anyways, my last night shift with Farhana was somewhat in between bliss and disaster. There was no admissions but a lot of issues with the in-ward patients. I shuddered just to think about it. Will not talk about it now. I spent this day off sleeping, eating, sleeping again and eat. Just don’t have the mood to go out. I was also preparing myself to face tomorrow (today) since I knew that there will be only 2 AM housemen in the ward. Farhana and Bashirah were on leave. So that left only I and Sultan. Alhamdulillah, there’s Visha and Melissa around. They practically function even though they’re still tagging. It was not as bad as I expected perhaps because I already expected the worst and be prepared for that. Alhamdulillah, everything went well. Dr. S came to the rounds today. He wore a white shirt today. I was looking at his shirt when I noticed there’s 2 specks of blood on his shirt pocket. He looked at his pocket as he saw my gaze and was wondering as well where did that blood came from. I joked something that sounded like Chika’s virgin blood. Haha, jangan marah Chika. 

And then during the PM rounds, he put his right leg to one of the cardiac tables and again I saw something out of place. There’s a hole at the side of his pants, below his right side pant’s pocket. I point my hand towards the whole, trying to show Visha that there’s a hole in his pants. Well, my not so subtle sign alerted him and he also saw the hole. Casually he said, “Yeah I noticed it this morning, seluar ketat sangat!” We laughed at his so casual tone. Such a sport!

Tomorrow I’ll be the runner in the ward. There’s already a CT abdomen and pelvis urgent waiting for me tomorrow. And 2 elective cases for op. Ah…

Alright, time to go.

Good nite.


Quickie

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Salam and hi all,

A quick post before I need to pack all my stuffs for a sleepover at Grandma’s house. Tomorrow is Aidiladha… It brings a lot of bittersweet memories of the Eid a year ago. Anyways, round finished quite early today. The cute Dr. TKY was the on call today. By 10 am, all jobs were done. So, we hanged out wishing 1 pm will arrive sooner. I’ll be working night shift tomorrow with Fana. Sultan won’t be around. So, it’s just us girls with Dr. T. I hope things will be not so hectic tomorrow. Anyways, later at 3 pm, I went out with my favourite girls, Nad and Mira to Jusco Bukit Tinggi. Nad has to do some retail therapy and emotional venting. 


Alamak, mommy nak cepat pi umah nenek. Will update this later.


Tata!


p/s: Selamat hari raya korban!